P.S. Keep In Touch

What we are usually told is that Time heals all wounds. Time is an ally that resolves everything, sorts all things out, ties all loose ends. TIme, though, can also lead hitherto very close friends to drift away from each other. And reuniting after a long period of no contact, almost always things will never be the same for any two or more people, those quotes about friendship enduring eternity, notwithstanding.

The majestic Hong Kong skyline at night c2010.

Is there anyone to blame when friends drift apart? As my favorite mantra for acceptance and resignation goes, “It is what it is.” Of course, it takes a certain maturity to get to this level of acceptance. Often, we berate ourselves and we feel guilty for letting go of relationships that felt so right and perfect and endless, eternal, when we started them.  Unless you are a sociopath, we all want our relationships to work. And next to family, there is no stronger tie that binds two people more than friendship. For are not friends family that we ourselves hand picked and chose?

I am all for friendships that stand the test of time. They do exist. I have those friends, so far. However, constrained by time, and space, and everything else in between, the fact is, some of these friends can become distant. Relationships are complex, unfortunately, and there are times that all we can do is look to the heavens and wonder what went wrong.

I was In Hong Kong last month for a quick weekend vacation, just to get away from the stress of living in Metro Manila. Since I used to work there between the years 2006 and 2010, I have more than a handful of Hong Kong- based people whom I consider as really dear friends.

When you get your life uprooted from the familiar to an alien environment - and that was how I felt when I first moved to Hong Kong - and absent your usual social and family support, you do not really have a choice but to seek out like-minded individuals and forge new ties.

I do not warm up easily to people.  Sure, I can walk into a bar, order a few drinks, socialize with whoever is there - the bartender, the cute guy, the flashy tourist -  but these are very superficial interactions. And while this interface may be enough for me to accept your Facebook invite, it will take more for you to be able to call me for drinks any random evening. My schedule permitting, of course.

Some of my closest friends in the  Kylie M concert in HK.

To cut a four-year-story short, at the end of 2009, the time I decided to come back to Manila,  the only pang of sadness I felt for moving out of Hong Kong came from the knowledge that I will be leaving a number of people who have shown me and taught me so many things about who I am, what I can do, and what my limitations are. More importantly, these are the people who helped me accept who I really am. at my core. I mean, if people who help you achieve this kind of personal enlightenment cannot be called friends, then who can be?

And yet, I felt rightfully rebuked when during my last visit to Hong Kong, some time end of November 2014, I found out, among other things, that the month prior, one of my closest friends got seriously sick and was hospitalized on the day of his birthday. In parallel manner, I also discovered that this friend of mine didn’t know that our mutual friend back in Manila met an accident on the most recent week that passed.

A brief awkward silence followed our individual realizations that perhaps despite our previous declarations about how we should stay as close a friend as we could, being apart running four years now, things have changed. Consider that at the height of our time together in Hong Kong, we felt like we knew every instance the other so much as take a deep sigh, while in the train, commuting across the Hong Kong harbor. We were that attuned to what was happening to each other’s lives.

It came to me then, that in the first place, friendships, relationships, arise out of a mutual need for one another’s presence, and all that that presence entails - a shoulder to lean on, a brain to pick for advice, a drinking buddy, or even a shopping pal. When I was in Hong Kong, the need was there. And the means to satisfy such were also available. These people and I were around to do what was required for the relationship to grow.

Since I moved back to Manila, I have been visiting Hong Kong at least once a year. This last trip, like the previous ones, was spent catching up on the lives of friends still there. Each visit though, as year after year passes, the gap seems to be wider. Personal problems that before could be easily shared with each other got swept under. In part, I am sure this was because my visits usually were short and we all did not want to ruin the moment with problems - mine or theirs - problems that we cannot impact in a meaningful way anymore. The relationship it seems has been downgraded to the superficial meet-ups of tourists I alluded to earlier.

I love my friends. Everyone does. And in my heart of hearts, I wish things can go back to how it was when we were all together. And here is where the conundrum lies, because as Life pushes us to move forward, we cannot forever cling to some sentimental past, even if it means that in the process, some of our dearest friends may have to find someone else to fill the role we used to play in their lives. 

My and another friend's farewell party. HK c 2010.

Am I giving up? That will be an oversimplification of why I am writing this. We can really do only so much to make relationships work. I believe though that once paths start to diverge and points of interest - essentially our lives - no longer intersect, the best thing to do is to get on with Life and wait for the next cycle when paths will cross again.

In the meantime, I have gone back to stalking my friends’ Facebook pages, unable to virtually interact as often as I would like to do, praying that while our lives have not yet converged again, we, individually, will grow to be better persons, ready to take on a new chapter of the relationship, when fate and providence bring us back together. 

And if that does not happen still, let me paraphrase a famous quote, “Don’t be sad that it’s over. Be happy and grateful that it happened.”

Note: This blog also appears on the January 18, 2015 edition of the Bohol Tribune.